Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
