i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
