Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
