paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
