He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
