I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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