You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
