im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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