Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
she smelled like a LAN party
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
