Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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