What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
