I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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