I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
