Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
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