Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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