So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
