she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
