I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
