oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
