I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
