if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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