Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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