Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
