It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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