I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
