I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Randomize
