John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
