i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
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