the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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