My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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