A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
