Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
