I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
