Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Can vaginas get frostbite?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
