My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
