i permit you to call me
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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