He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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