i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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