my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
