Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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