I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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