you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
two words: eviction party
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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