a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
