NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
