Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
3pm strippers are depressing
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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