I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
