I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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