So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
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My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
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I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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