I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
