when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
