My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
