I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
