Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
