from now on my penis is your penis
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
